My father always said to me, "you are lucky if you have 5 true friends during the course of a lifetime."
As a teenager, this seemed like rather a small number. However, after a lifetime of people coming and going during the different phases of my life, that number now seems very large. Of course it all depends on how one defines the term "friendship."
For an Italian, I believe it means, you have become family. And family, for an Italian, is everything.
This will not happen overnight.
Nor will there ever be an official induction.
Nor do I mean for you to envision the pop culture iconography of everyone happily sitting down to dinner, spreading good cheer and loving kindness.
There are many Italian families, like mine, who are reminiscent of the Borgias. If you know your history, not the most likable clan.
But they did protect their own.
However, the bottom line is that through thick and thin, if you are lucky enough to be included in that very exclusive circle it can mean quite alot.
It means, not keeping count, or lists of what you did and what I did in return. It means, no questions asked if you need money to pay your rent. And then take 5 years to pay it back. Or usually, after awhile it means, "no worries, I don't remember you borrowing any money at all." Our long memories can become quite sketchy when you are in that beloved though bickering inner circle. It means, when you phone at 3 AM because you need help, you get a "I will be right over" response instead of all the reasons why you would but regretfully can't help. It means inconveniencing oneself to help out another. It means if my cousin has an MBA and you need help with a business plan, well, a phone call will generate alot of advice, phone conversations and edits --- all for free. Or a doctor's appointment or a "reference" from someone with some influence even though you never worked for them, or a blood donation, or even getting an uncle to put in a new sink in the basement - at a basement price.
It also means, that all the things you ever did count -- alot. And eventually you will get alot more in return than you ever dreamed. Even something like, a place to call home if there is no where else to go in your old age. We invented the phrase, "just in case...".
The downside is that you are now included in the favors for this or that, and never ending worries about everything and anything. You are now involved in the emotional upheavals, the phone calls and conversations and basically anything that you would ask your father, sister, brother, mother to do without a second thought. Over and over and over again. Then over again...again.
That is why alot of Italians say, "managia" under their breathes and throw up their hands. Usually this means being a major pain in the butt, along with fighting and impatience and thoughts of, "I really want to throw you out the window right now."
Of course you don't. You verbally duke it out, sometimes rather loudly, but then after you've let off steam, and everyone's said what they really thought, no brain editing involved, everyone has a cup of coffee. Preferably at the kitchen table.
Not the dining room, living room, or family room.
Case closed.
And in my life experience,this type of mindset 99.9% of the time occurs when you are from a blue collar boroughs background. Not scientific, I know, just experiential.
Oh another thing - this inclusion does not happen alot. It takes time.
That's why the number is only a handful.
So if you are the type who keeps count, or fumes silently, or has time limit expectations, I would take these insights or warnings to heart. Ultimately the relationship just won't last.
Being part of la famiglia has it's pitfalls but I prefer it than any other kind of friendship in the world.
And dad's number doesn't seem so small after all. Just true. Like an Italian friendship, indeed.
Italian Meal Tip - one of my favorite books for low calorie Italian recipes is
99% Fat Free Italian Cooking - by Barry Bluestein & Kevin Morrissey, Published by Doubleday
all of your favorite dishes with less than 1 gram of fat. One of my favorites is Monkfish Osso Buco.
PS make Garlic your friend. Learn low fat ingredient alternatives --- Become a Bella Buongustiao
As a teenager, this seemed like rather a small number. However, after a lifetime of people coming and going during the different phases of my life, that number now seems very large. Of course it all depends on how one defines the term "friendship."
For an Italian, I believe it means, you have become family. And family, for an Italian, is everything.
This will not happen overnight.
Nor will there ever be an official induction.
Nor do I mean for you to envision the pop culture iconography of everyone happily sitting down to dinner, spreading good cheer and loving kindness.
There are many Italian families, like mine, who are reminiscent of the Borgias. If you know your history, not the most likable clan.
But they did protect their own.
However, the bottom line is that through thick and thin, if you are lucky enough to be included in that very exclusive circle it can mean quite alot.
It means, not keeping count, or lists of what you did and what I did in return. It means, no questions asked if you need money to pay your rent. And then take 5 years to pay it back. Or usually, after awhile it means, "no worries, I don't remember you borrowing any money at all." Our long memories can become quite sketchy when you are in that beloved though bickering inner circle. It means, when you phone at 3 AM because you need help, you get a "I will be right over" response instead of all the reasons why you would but regretfully can't help. It means inconveniencing oneself to help out another. It means if my cousin has an MBA and you need help with a business plan, well, a phone call will generate alot of advice, phone conversations and edits --- all for free. Or a doctor's appointment or a "reference" from someone with some influence even though you never worked for them, or a blood donation, or even getting an uncle to put in a new sink in the basement - at a basement price.
It also means, that all the things you ever did count -- alot. And eventually you will get alot more in return than you ever dreamed. Even something like, a place to call home if there is no where else to go in your old age. We invented the phrase, "just in case...".
The downside is that you are now included in the favors for this or that, and never ending worries about everything and anything. You are now involved in the emotional upheavals, the phone calls and conversations and basically anything that you would ask your father, sister, brother, mother to do without a second thought. Over and over and over again. Then over again...again.
That is why alot of Italians say, "managia" under their breathes and throw up their hands. Usually this means being a major pain in the butt, along with fighting and impatience and thoughts of, "I really want to throw you out the window right now."
Of course you don't. You verbally duke it out, sometimes rather loudly, but then after you've let off steam, and everyone's said what they really thought, no brain editing involved, everyone has a cup of coffee. Preferably at the kitchen table.
Not the dining room, living room, or family room.
Case closed.
And in my life experience,this type of mindset 99.9% of the time occurs when you are from a blue collar boroughs background. Not scientific, I know, just experiential.
Oh another thing - this inclusion does not happen alot. It takes time.
That's why the number is only a handful.
So if you are the type who keeps count, or fumes silently, or has time limit expectations, I would take these insights or warnings to heart. Ultimately the relationship just won't last.
Being part of la famiglia has it's pitfalls but I prefer it than any other kind of friendship in the world.
And dad's number doesn't seem so small after all. Just true. Like an Italian friendship, indeed.
Italian Meal Tip - one of my favorite books for low calorie Italian recipes is
99% Fat Free Italian Cooking - by Barry Bluestein & Kevin Morrissey, Published by Doubleday
all of your favorite dishes with less than 1 gram of fat. One of my favorites is Monkfish Osso Buco.
PS make Garlic your friend. Learn low fat ingredient alternatives --- Become a Bella Buongustiao
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